my shit smells like andre
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
