if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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