she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
