girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
