I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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