Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
