Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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