I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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