There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
