I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize