I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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