I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
