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i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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