I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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