Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
