You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
