At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
