Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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