I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had sex on a roof
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
