I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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