Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize