i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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