I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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