I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
