This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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