Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
