"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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