and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
