Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
