First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
