Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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