I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
YAS. BRING CRAB.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
