i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
