I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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