I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
