Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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