its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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