don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry about my life...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
