I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
