We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
