some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
