I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize