i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
