So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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