life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
