3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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