You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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