I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
