The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
