I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
