The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
