I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have aggressive nipples.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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