okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
