I faked an abortion last night.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
True strength comes from lack of pants
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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