if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
