For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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