I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
