i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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