Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
