Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
