I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
